Dear Witch-King of Angmar
My best friend keeps telling me that I cry like a girl. This really hurts my feelings - just because I'm a very sensitive guy doesn't mean I'm a crybaby! I've tried telling him that, but he just doesn't seem to understand and ends up only makes fun of me more often. Even worse, he seems to be jealous of the fact that I have good friends other than him, and they all like carrying me around. I'm starting to think my best friend is really just a total meanie! What can I do?
Really A Sensitive New Age Hobbit
Dear RASNAH -
Tell him to stop it, and if he doesn't, kill him.
Best of Luck
The Witch-King of Angmar
Dear Witch-King of Angmar
I'm in love with my best friend, but I don't think I'll take it very well, so I try to hide it by making fun of him. He always ends up crying, and I feel awful about it. Yesterday, he caught me while I was 'thinking' about him (if you know what I mean) and caused a huge mess that ended with my carrot getting broken in half. I don't mind too much, since there are always more vegetables, but even after he caught me in the act he didn't realize what was going on! How can I hope to get him to accept me, let alone my large and varried collection of fungi and root vegetables?
Salad Shooter Of Love
Dear SSOL -
Someone that clueless deserves to die. Try not to take it too hard; you seem like one cool cucumber.
Man, sometimes I just kill me.
Best of Luck
The Witch-King of Angmar
Dear Witch-King of Angmar
I'm stuck on the nature hike from hell, and our leader is a total jerk who won't even let me near this cute little guy I'm developing a thing for. I think it's because he wants the guy for himself. He thinks everyone ought to defer to him just because he's got an overgrown ancient butterknife and enough testosterone leaking out of his pores to make Boy George grow a beard. I don't care who his father was or that he thinks he's got some sort of great heritage, he's just some git that smells like an elderly stoat lost control of its bladder on his shoes. The only reason I can see for people following him around is that he appears to have been poured into those leather pants of his and could probably crack walnuts between his cheeks if he wanted to. So what? He's still a prat, and I know for a fact I bathe more often than him. What do you think?
I Have a Nicer Ass Too
Dear IHNAT -
Just kill him, take control of the group, and have your way with whomever you want.
Best of Luck
The Witch-King of Angmar
Azzag Witch-King of Angmar
Bezzar ralzza tak izzar pazzo bal yazzr zog nezzi wezex ix ix ukiow pozzyil. Izzna sirtx lezzaxkenra gaxi lorznopla azzar withex. Balzog ixxer xern azze posx lexxz xix zarzza lork razzog gorta fexxl dazznig durztik. Wazza kert oplaz otrak kistraz zezzner borzlar mek?
Xilz Zakker Mek Fakez Platz
Dear XZMFP -
Sorry, but it was just the other white meat. He lied to you, so you'd better kill him.
Best of Luck The Witch-King of Angmar
Dear Witch-King of Angmar
A friend of mine recently gave me a ring. It's nice, if plain, and it supposedly changes size to fit whomever is holding it. Well, when he gave it to me, it did, but now it's too big to fit on my finger! Moreover, when my friend saw this, he seemed very impressed and rather excited, and he told me that I shouldn't wear it on my finger, and that I'm not to let anyone else see me with it. I'm very confused now. Do you have any idea what he's talking about?
Hobbit Confused About Ring
PS - Is it true that masturbating too much makes you go blind? Just curious.
Dear HCAR -
I think I'd be able to answer this better in person. Just tell old uncle Witch-King of Angmar where you are, and I'll be right over to discuss it.
PS - Gandalf still seems to see okay, so I'd say no.
Best of Luck The Witch-King of Angmar
Dear Witch-King of Angmar
I have a thing for younger men, it seems. There's one in particular that I've had my eye on for the past twenty or so years, and I finally got him alone and was able to impress him with my Nude One-Handed Bow Shooting' technique. He was quite receptive and we spent a lovely evening together. He even let me do his hair, which was an absolute mess. I'm feeling a little worried now, though, because I seem to remember that there are some legal problems with elves dating other races that came up in the Second Age. Can you please remind me of them?
Enjoying The Younger Crowd
Dear ETYC -
If he's less than a tenth of your age, it's considered statutory rape. You'll have to kill him before he goes to the authorities.
Best of Luck
The Witch-King of Angmar
Dear Witch-King of Angmar
Are elves gay or something? The one I've been travelling with keeps poncing about in a skirt and long hair, all the while hugging trees and giggling like he's just inhaled an entire tube of glue. Even worse, last night when I woke up for my watch, I found him lounging around like a poofter in a silk bathrobe with cucumber slices over his eyes. He won't stop bothering me about cream rinses and exfolliating facial scrubs, when I don't even need those things - my beard is pefectly smooth and silky! The attention is starting to make me very nervous.
Dwarf Wondering If He Needs Iron Pants
Dear DWIHNIP -
Yes, they're pretty much all like that. If you don't want him crawling into your blanket with you one night, you're going to have to kill him.
PS - Don't you people normally wear iron pants? I thought that was why you're all so cranky.
Best of Luck
The Witch-King of Angmar
Dear Witch-King of Angmar
I can't believe you fell for the old booby-trapped stream gag. It's only older than me. Loser.
Elf Maid Laughing At You
Dear EMLAY -
Oh yeah? Well at least I didn't get ditched for a bunch of halflings that are in serious need of nair.
Love and Kisses
The Witch-King of Angmar
Dear Witch-King of Angmar
I'm in a dilemma. Apparently my 'Buns of Mithril' workout did its job a little too well. I currently have two halflings, an elf, and another human all vying for my affections, and with my busy schedule, I just don't have the energy to keep up with them all. They all have their own charms (though none can quite compare with my own rugged looks) so that makes choosing even more difficult. The elf is extremely flexible - he can shoot a bow with only one hand, as long as he's got no kit on. One of the halflings has an enormous ring and the right place to hang it, while the other can do rather amazing things with vegetables. And the other human...well, lets just say his horn is a match for my sword. How the hell am I supposed to pick?
Everything Looks Good On The Buffet
PS - Will I ever be king?
Dear ELGOTB -
Set them against each other armed only with cheap orc cuttlery. Keep the one that survives.
PS - Just remember...there can only be one King. Thangyouveramuch.
Best of Luck
The Witch-King of Angmar
Dear Witch-King of Angmar
I'm getting really frustrated here. No one pays attention to me unless my master's gotten himself into some kind of mess or they need someone to say something folksy but strangely insightful. My master's a nice guy, but he doesn't help my stress levels much since I practically have to chew his food for him, not to mention bathe him. I'm tired of being second fiddle to anyone, even if he is hung like a Balrog. Even worse, I'm apparently stuck with a load of perverts - they keep asking me for foot rubs and other odd things (especially the humans, but ONLY when they can't find my master, of course) like I'm some sort of reject from an Uruk-hai brothel. How can I get them to start treating me like an equal in this venture? I carry half of the blood baggage, after all!
Annoyed Hobbit That Needs Some Validation
Dear AHTNSV -
Kill them. That ought to get their attention.
Best of Luck
The Witch-King of Angmar
Dear Witch-King of Angmar
On advice of analyst, we is tryin to make friendses with ethnically varied group. But they always runs away, and they teases us with my Precious! Damn Precious is the reason we's in therapies to begin with! Why's everyone so mean to us?
Slime Creature Only Want Friends
Dear SCOWF
Because you're a freak. Do the world a favor and kill yourself.
Best of Luck
The Witch-King of Angmar
Azzag Witch-King of Angmar
Balzog ixxer xern azze posx lexxz xix zarzza lork razzog gorta fexxl dazznig durztik.Bezzar ralzza tak izzar pazzo bal yazzr zog nezzi wezex ix ix ukiow pozzyil. Izzna sirtx lezzaxkenra gaxi lorznopla azzar withex. Wazza kert uzzle nutter yirich zezzner borzlar mek?
Morzan Pwak Lazzneruk Hai
Dear MPLH -
Considering the ancient enmity between your two peoples, it's just not going to work out. Kill him, and while you're looting his body afterward, see if you can find his oatmeal exfolliating facial scrub. I think you might need it.
Best of Luck The Witch-King of Angmar
Dear Witch-King of Angmar
It's bad enough that everyone's putting the move on my property now that I've been inconveniently discorporated, but why the hell can't people just admit I'm dead, instead of saying 'He's fallen into shadow' every time someone asks where I am? The denial is really starting to get on my pecs.
Dead And Annoyed
PS - Love the robe. Ralph Lauren, right?
Dear DAA -
Because you're not quite dead yet. Dumbass.
PS - Sorry about the dumbass thing. You wouldn't believe some of the letters I've been getting lately.
PPS - You've got it...only the best. If you want, I'll give you the address for where I buy them...I think they're out of gray, but they've got some really nice white ones.
Best of Luck
The Witch-King of Angmar
Dear Witch-King of Angmar
I've been talking to a guy over palantir for a while now. We've gotten to be good friends, and have even sent each other post cards (I sent him a nice picture of the Misty Mountains by my home, and he sent me one of a fiery, hellish pit) and exchanged presents on Christmas and Birthdays. Lately, though, I'm starting to feel like he's got a hidden agenda; he's been talking me into doing things I don't really think are good ideas, like strip mining my land and breeding hideous monsters of foulness in pools of slime, not to mention attempting to kill one of my oldest friends. I think he may just be using me, despite his promises that we'll dominate the rule with claws of iron together. What should I do?
Confused About My Palantir Pal
Dear CAMPP -
It might be painful right now, but kill him. You'll thank me in the end.
Best of Luck
The Witch-King of Angmar
Dear Witch-King of Angmar
There's a guy that I've been deeply in love with for a long time, and even dated for a while, but we've been seperated for several eons. I gave him a gift that he took the wrong way, and things have been chilly between us ever since. This wasn't helped by the fact that I was inconveniently body-less for several millenia, so I couldn't even express my feelings in the appropriate way. Now that it looks like I might be getting my body back soon, I'm thinking I might have the chance of making things right and getting some good sex out of it too. How should I go about it?
Still In Love After All These Centuries
Dear SILAATC
Nice try Sauron. I might work for you, but that doesn't mean I have to forgive you for your little 'gift.' The restraining order stands.
Rot In Hell You Bastard
The Witch-King of Angmar