One of the colonies out at L3 was starting to act up. Nothing major, yet, but there were enough murmurings and mutterings and possible insurrection related violence that it made for some interesting reading. Wufei alternated sips of melon-and-lime soda with bites of peanut butter crackers from the break room vending machine as he read.
Then he heard the door shut.
Wufei looked up from the screen of his monitor. His eyes were still a bit dazzled by the endless stream of yellow and black text - who the heck had thought those were a good choice for the report reader, anyway? He had to blink a couple of times before Duo came into focus. "Something I can help you with?" he asked, sounding just a little annoyed.
The other man favored him with a grin that he was fairly certain Duo himself had once described as 'shit-eating.' He leaned against the frame of the now-closed door, and waved a languid hand in Wufei's general direction. "Oh, don't worry about me. I'm good." It didn't help Wufei's annoyance when he noticed that the top button of Duo's shirt was unbuttoned, and his tie was missing in action. His uniform was definitely not up to Preventer specs, and it didn't matter if they were just doing office work today. "Ah..." Puzzled, Wufei bought himself a few seconds to think by finishing the soda and tossing the empty bottle in the general direction of the wastebasket. It said a lot about how confused he was that it hit the side of the metal wastebasket before bouncing in, instead of making a neat slam dunk like he normally did. "Alright," he said, frowning slightly. "Then why shut the door? If there's nothing you want, you could go back to... whatever you were doing and let me read in peace."
"Oh, there's something I want, alright," Duo said. "But I doubt you'll be so good as to help me with it." His grin didn't change at all.
Wufei stared at him for a long moment. "...fine. Then what is it that you want, o inscrutable one?" He was rather proud of the note of pure sarcasm he injected into the last phrase. He'd been practicing. It was the only way to deal with living in the same house as Duo.
"Actually, o cranky light of mine eyes," Duo replied, not missing a beat, "I want to talk to you about something. Namely, the computer."
Wufei froze for a second, midway to going to another peanut butter cracker. Mentally cursing, he made himself complete the motion, trying to act casual. He doubted that he was doing a good job of it. Acting was most definitely not his thing. "Oh? What about it?"
"Well..." Duo drawled, the grin becoming even more insufferable. "Seems that someone's been looking at some interesting websites. And forgot to clear his browsing history."
Wufei nearly choked on the cracker. He ended up in a bout of red-faced coughing that most definitely was not going to help his casual act. "I -- see," he rasped out. "Who do you think it was?"
"Oh, I don't know. Maybe... you?" Duo laughed.
"I couldn't say. I look at a lot of websites. For research, you understand," Wufei said, desperately searching for a way out.
"Research? Oh no, no, no. Not these. At least I sure hope not," Duo said. "I mean, unless there's a new terrorist group that sends out suicide male strippers with a real thing for fishnet."
Wufei was at a complete loss. There it was, his shameful secret aired out, just like that, and by Duo of all people. Of everyone Wufei knew, Duo had the biggest mouth... and no one liked to gossip more. "I-- but-- you see--" he sputtered.
"Well, it certainly explains why you've never wanted to hit the Diamond Cabaret with me'n Zechs," Duo crowed. "Since they only have naked girls there!"
Wufei put his face in his hands. His life was over. But if he was going to have to kill himself to escape the inhuman levels of ridicule he was certain to face, he'd damnwell make it a murder suicide. "Duo..." he growled. "I'm going to kill you, you snooping bastard!" He stood up, his chair skittering away behind him.
"Hey, not so fast there, Mr. Angry Pants," Duo said, going from laughing to similarly angry in one movement. He shoved himself away from the wall and strode over, his hands clenched into fists. "If anyone should be angry here, it should be me!"
For the second time in as many minutes, Wufei found himself staring at Duo in open-mouthed confusion. "...what?"
Duo stopped in front of his desk, then grabbed Wufei by the tie, yanking him forward until they were nose to nose. "You utter shithead," he growled. "Here I was, all these years, thinking you were straight, and now I find out that you like men in french maid uniforms. Men with long brown hair, I might add. Fuck you a lot, all you had to do was ASK!"
"What...?" Wufei asked again, weakly.
Duo let go of his tie, then stalked around the desk. Wufei could only watch him, trying to reassemble the pieces of his understanding of reality. Duo stopped in front of him, and reached for his tie again - though this time, instead of grabbing it, he slowly pulled the knot apart and slid it from around Wufei's collar.
"What... what are you doing?" Wufei asked.
Duo eyed the tie, then tossed it over his shoulder. "You know, Wufei, the only thing I like more than a man in uniform is a man very much out of uniform." He looked at Wufei for a long moment, then let out an exasperated sigh as Wufei did nothing but gape at him. Duo reached out and started undoing the buttons of his shirt. "Okay, let's make this simpler. You. Me. With the fucking. Now."
Any headway Wufei had made into making sense of it all derailed instantly at that statement. "Fucking," he repeated. "Fucking. Fucking? Fucking. Yes. Okay. Good plan." He had no idea why any of this was happening, but considering just how much of his paycheck every month went toward finding pornography of men that looked like Duo, well... he wasn't going to complain.
"Now that's what I'm talking about!" Duo said. Off whipped Wufei's new shirt, followed soon after by the other bits of his uniform. And then, with Duo’s enthusiastic help, he found out that desks were good for things other than holding paperwork.