Okay! This one is going to be a PG-13 rating....just some angst and pain for poor Kai!
this is my attempt to explain a little of how he feels about those around him.
It takes place before Yuusen (which hasn't been posted yet!). I hope you like it!

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Shisai - Tatakai fic

Tatakai was perfectly motionless as the Master Sargent walked up and down the line the recruits had formed at his command. The recruits were perfectly silent, having learned long ago that anything beyond the necessary was severely frowned on...or worse! Tatakai had born silent witness to the tongue lashing an unfortunate recruit received when he had the poor taste to make a flippant remark to the Master Sargent.

The assassin couldn't help but privately think of just how lucky that recruit had been. The Black Lions were incredibly soft compared to the training he had received from the Family. There any deviation from acceptable behavior had been meet with the harshest of punishments. His thoughts flashed on the fact that a number of the other children he had been assigned to room with had gone missing....

When he had been small he hadn't understood why those around him simply left, never to be seen again. But the reason had been made painfully clear to him less then a year later. The assassin's thoughts shied away from the memory.

Instead he let his awareness focus on those about him. He couldn't care less about the other recruits, but he watched them as they spread out as the Master Sargent barked orders. Like the good little soldiers they were supposed to be. Beside him was no one he knew. But behind him...He could feel Kali's eyes on him.

He knew that she trusted him for some reason. And he knew her secret. The assassin gave a mental shrug. The woman had asked him to be silent about her....affiliation....with a common associate. There was no reason for him not to do so. The young woman hadn't proved herself a threat to himself or the commanders. Nor was he about to throw away a valuable tool. Should he ever required the girl's assistance he knew he could ensure her cooperation.

Behind him was that silent kid, the one who communicated his eyes. For a reason he couldn't explain, the boy made him uneasy. So far Tatakai had done a could job of avoiding him. As a matter of fact he had done a good job of avoiding most of the other recruits. He went out of his way to limit any contact. They mattered little to him. Bunch of undisciplined brats....

His thought did an abrupt switch. Khamryn...Dark thoughts began to brood on the too pretty face of his roommate. He was well aware of the boy's position in the formation. He always knew where the boy was...but he couldn't understand why it was so important for him to do so. Logically he knew that any attachment to others was a weakness that could be exploited..but something drew him to the boy. A need....a desire...

~Weakness!~

Resolutely he forced his mind make to the mundane world around him. Slowly he convinced his thoughts to focus on the slight burn in his in his thighs. But there was a another sensation down there too... The Master Sargent was walking around, yelling choice obscenities at this or that recruit. Tatakai's stony expression took in everything around him but seemed to focus on nothing. The master Sargent favored him with an odd look, almost as though he would say something but then focused on someone else.

Tatakai silently watched the man pass. None about the assassin seemed to register his quiet regard. The blue hair senior ensign passed and Tatakai quietly fumed. The master Sargent had explained very carefully-and very loudly-why he had to obey Michael as a superior officer. The assassin wasn't happy about it! That particular baka had caused him untold grief.

But his feelings never penetrated the cold calm that seemed to surround his mind. Michael's word carried weight...and was to be obeyed. That as all that mattered. No matter how he felt about any of the officers, their orders were the beginning and end of his world. A shiver ran down his spine as he briefly thought about how tempting it was to disregard Michael's orders.

~No! Orders MUST be obeyed!~

He felt his mouth twist in a grimace as he felt his skin begin to tingle unpleasantly. Momentarily he closed his eyes as his body moved through the set exercises with the others. When he open his eyes again, none would have seen past the chill gaze to the pain within. The sensation didn't go away and he forced himself through the movements.

Then the calisthenics were over. He stood in ridged formation with the others, waiting for the Master Sargent to dismiss them. After the man informed them of just how pathetic and worthless the lot of them were, the were dismissed. But Tatakai just remained where he was even as the others began moving towards the mess hall. He was afraid to move, afraid that his legs would buckle, a sure sign of his weakness....

A hand touched his shoulder gently. As most against his will he turned his cold eyes on the person who was touching him...and felt his stomach lurch. Khamryn. Khamryn was touching him. His first impulse was to melt into the touch..to give himself over completely to what he longed for... But the cold mask descended over his features.

Tentatively the dark haired boy spoke to the assassin. "Uh Tatakai? Aren't you hungry?"

The feelings that those innocent words stirred up nearly cracked the mask of indifference he wore. Nearly...

In the end though he just nodded, the slight movement seemed to be the signal for the boy to relax a little. With that Kham gave him another shock by gently squeezing his shoulder before the German began moving off the parade grounds and towards the main building. Mutely Tatakai followed.

As the two young men walked through the hall he saw a familiar mop of electric blue hair. Tatakai's hackles rose on seeing the senior ensign. He didn't want to have anything to do with him! Quickly he clamped down on that train of thought as he felt a headache coming on...

As they passed Michael, the assassin found himself on the receiving end of a distrusting glare. And then that glare was turned on Khamryn...and it became something else...

Fury began to well up in the pit of his stomach, consuming rational thought.

Briefly he closed his eyes. When he opened them he reached out a hand and grabbed the other's shoulder, spinning him around. With a precise, vicious strike he crushed the senior ensign's wind pipe. Satisfaction over came him as he watched the annoying bastard fall to the ground gasping. In only a few moments he would suffocate, unable to pull air in past his tortured throat...

Tatakai opened his eyes to find that Michael was continuing on his way. The assassin tried to resume his steps but his body would not comply. His knees were weak and he felt his skin crawl as sharp pain lanced through his head. All he could do was stand there trembling.

Something touched his upper arm without looking he knew who it was, just as he could picture the boy's worried expression. "Are you okay," was the concerned question.

~No! I'm not!~ he screamed inside his mind as he felt his world beginning to crumble. But when he opened his mouth to speak only a soulless "Fine" emerged. Then he was pushing past the boy. Every step he took was a nearly unbearable agony..but he suffered in silence. It was no less then he deserved for his traitorous thoughts.

Leaving the boy behind Tatakai began to mechanically walk towards the mess hall.