its done!.. sorta.. well i foudn a spifflicious way to end
this... BTW this is the first of three Flynn and... ill let you get
supprised by the end... here ya are.. Thanks to my partner in crime
who will remain nameless so it doesnt spoil the suprise.. You rock!!!
By WF+(see end.. after you read fic)
They said one week. One week of no training, no classes, no
Yuy induced Hell. But we still have limitations to where we can go,
limitations to what we can do and how long we are gone. It sucks. A
vacation used to be where I could go away for as long as the vacation
was for and be back at base by 24 hundred on the last day worth of
vacation. It wasn't hard and I was always back on time. But here, I
feel like a little kid being babysat in an overgrown daycare.
Hell I know why I feel that way too. Half these kids are a
lot younger then I am, less life experience in MS combat. I wont say
they are all green though. Most of the younger kids here have been
with the BL longer then I have. But my side shows nearly 7 years
worth of space combat, survival and navigation. Space is MY place,
Not in a world where it is all unpredictable.
The first time I was around for the sunrise, and did not hear
the lights start to come on, or the sounds of the air recycling
system of the station or the colony come on I thought I had died.
I've never been on a planet before, only in space. I guess that is
what scared me so. I had no idea where I was, or what I was supposed
to be doing on this planet. But my fears were calmed the moment I
realized where was, what I was supposed to do. I was supposed to fly.
That and the always-comforting feeling of Sekmhet around my neck
He may be a biological critter, but it helps to know I have
someone who likes me. Even if it is a creepy crawly.
Right now he's still around my neck, hidden under my shirt
and jacket as I sit here in the Den watching all the other ensigns
hang out and have fun. I've been here since after breakfast, a quick
shower and a change into my Rough Neck's usual attire. Black jeans,
black combat boots, black t-shirt with red dragon on it and a leather
coat with the Commander's insignia on it. The people here don't
recognize the crown of thorns embroidered on the sleeves or the back
above the name `Angel'. I'm glad they don't. I don't know if the
Commander of either of his Lt. Commanders realizes its significance
but I sure as Hell do.
The angel wings under the crown however has more meaning to
me then the thing itself. Survivor of the Big Battle. No the bloody
massacre where over 500 people died in less then one hour. Would have
been 501, if I hadn't been so lucky.
No one has approached me for nearly three hours since I sat
down in the corner table, put my headphones on and started staring at
the ice in my drink. I haven't touched the thing since I got it. The
ice is about gone, I'm thinking of getting some more, so I have
something to stare at other then the people around me.
So many people here. All different yet the same thing brought
them here. They are the best of the best of the best and then some.
Which makes me wonder why the fuck I am here. I'm just a mercenary
who happened to be one of the best pilots around. Only one was better
then I was before I ran into Noin.
Damnit Kawaru your supposed to be here not me. Damn the fact
you had to die…the fact you died because…
No. I will not go there. I am not here to dwell in the past.
Not that past. Not Angel's past. Angel is dead. Only the Mahdi lives
now. But Flynn is still alive. Somewhere inside this shell of flesh
and wire she still lives. But she's on holiday. It's just me. Mahdi.
The Black Lion pilot. Staring at a warming Dr. Pepper in the middle
of a room filled with my peers and fellow pilots wondering what the
next training bout will bring.
A thought crosses my mind as I hear some one mention
someone's moving to a new room. Must be that Khamryn kid. I don't
know much about the situation, but from what I hear about his former
partner I am glad he turned tail. This… Tatakai bloke seems not only
moody but a frightening person. In my short term experience the more
rough they are on the out side, the more injured they are on the
inside. He's got to be living in pure hell right now. Dealing with
himself, his past, his present, all wondering what the future holds.
Damn Masters you're getting philosophical again. Must be the
I think `Dana's brother has been trying to help Kai though. I
haven't seen the little chap much, only in passing while keeping what
ever `paths were in the area out of what is left of my mind. He's a
cutie. But something about him still frightens me. He's only in his
mid teens and he is here willing to blow whoever threatens peace to
kingdom come. Winter is like that too. Both so young, so new to this
world, well compared to me they are spring chicks. Thus far I have
yet to see a glimmer of innocence in either of them. It's unnerving
to think one so young can be so much older then a person who has died
I'm not the only one here who's died a few times. Or at least
tried damn hard to. My least favorite person on the entire frigin
rock. Lt. Commander Heero Yuy. Don't ask why I don't like him. Its
something deeply rooted in my subconscious that hates perfection.
They called him the Perfect Soldier. The perfect weapon
against OZ and later Romafeller. He had the human beaten out of him
so he could just kill and do whatever his psychotic Doctor told him
to. Hell he even blew himself up on command! It takes some serious
warping to do that.
Perfection in itself is a sham. To make the perfect soldier
you have to rid him of all humanity and make him impervious to pain.
It's easier to create a machine to do that job, an unstoppable beast
to take out your enemies. But then where is the war in that, if its
one machine against the other. You try to implement human emotions
and thinking into the thing. But humanity by law is flawed and will
ruin the fake perfection you tried to attain with a mere AI becomes
as flawed as the human you distorted by removing the human element
from the human…
Ok I'm thinking in circles again. It doesn't help my mood
much. Every time I pass Yuy in the halls he reminds me of what _THEY_
tried to make me. Perfect in every stinking way so I would fit in
their mold. Then the perfection that Ka.. I mean Eva thought I
possessed. I am not perfect, I am as far from perfection as they get.
I sigh and glare harder at the last chip of ice floating in
the glass. It breaks. Funny I have a killer glare, but half the time
I can't use it. I just stare dead and mechanical at things, it
unnerves people to no end. I like it. It makes them leave me in my
lonely misery. I am in no mood to play fun girl. The recent
nightmares, brooding about Mr. Perfection and the pounding headache I
have prevent me from even thinking about smiling at anyone, let alone
attempt to hold a conversation with them.
I start to wonder what happened to that ensign that
disappeared a while ago. Mike I think his name was. Well its probably
Michael but Mike sounds a bit better to me. I know he's a `path, a
moody one at that. Unstable as all Hell and the most likely to want
to kill half the people here without a second thought. Winter is
worried about him near as I can tell. One learns to read the outward
appearance of others quickly in the killing profession. But it's
getting hard. The ghost is way more active then usual. Mech and Ghost
battle for dominance at night, hence I haven't slept well lately. It
sucks having two minds in one body.
Yeah, that may not make any sense but it does. You have me,
the living, blood-needing biological ghost of a person living in this
mangled body. It is the past, what I was at one point. I try not to
let it think too hard all the ghost does is bring the past back and
reminds me of my flaws. Morbid thinking I know but hey that's how the
cookie crumbles. The Mech is the other part of me, what I have become
in a way. The wires and fuses, chips and bio-fluid part that sends
airport metal detectors going bizerk. I really hate those things.
It's because of this I am not the most popular person in the
universe, though I try to know as many people as I can.
I wonder about the others I haven't met, or at least gotten
acquainted with. For the usually social person I am I've been
reclusive. I don't know what it is about these people but, so many
strange people together in one place seems unnerving to me. Even the
people in charge are weird. Takes all kinds I suppose. I wonder if
any of them even care to know more about the blue haired bouncy
overgrown toaster that sits in the corner of the Den from the end of
training until five minutes before lights out. Some days I sing,
others I just play, but lately I am just here in the corner I claimed
as my own pondering the impossibilities of the universe while listing
to the voices of my peers and superiors.
Even with headphones on I can hear them. My music hasn't been
playing for nearly an hour, the batteries died. I've been listening
to the din of their voices, casual conversations, and their lives.
And none seems to notice. I wonder what I look like from the outside.
The dead and unfocused azure blue of my eyes starring impassively at
the Dr. Pepper in front of me, my right hand holding my head up so I
can glare at the soda that has only sat there and warmed up. I
probably have that `I am dead' look to me. Big deal. So what. Not
that anyone cares.
Now, now Masters don't get all angsty. There's enough angst
here to rival an entire colony of high school students. Angst and
sorrow coupled with anger so thick you need a beam saber to slice
though it to see the other emotions that supposedly lay beneath the
thick fog. One of those foghorns has to be installed in here
I hear the chair beside me being pulled out. Maybe some one
needs it to sit with their people. I'm not sure until I see another
drink enter my fuzzy vision and the sound of someone settling into
the chair beside me. Whoever it is they are silent, eyes on me
wondering if I even notice their presence. I do, I just don't care.
If they want to make a move at conversation they are welcome to.
Right now I really don't give a damn.
I look at the Dr. pepper again, staring into its carbonated
amber depths and think. Thinking for me is dangerous but both minds
are still dwelling on one thing in that drink. How Kawaru's eyes were
the same color. How his lips tickled as much as the bubbles do. How
much I longed to take a drink of both. My hand reached out and I take
a long drag from the soda. I make a face and pout it down. It's all
warm, flat and watery.
Now for those who don't know who Kawaru was. He was my first,
my real First for just about everything. He always had an undying
faith in everything in me and what I did. He was a strange looking
guy but about three years older then I was, and was kind of scrawny
too. He liked to keep his hair at a silver tone; I used to help him
dye it. His eyes were reddish brown, like the Dr. Pepper that was
currently insulting itself by reminding me of the bitter taste of his
death. He was the best pilot. He should be here instead of me. I
should be the one dead.
That's where the machine and the ghost of the human I am
disagree. One thinks it was nothing more then self-preservation, it
had to be done and there was no way to avoid it. The other screams
for the pain to go away. Once he told me not to cry over his death. I
haven't yet. I don't cry much if at all for anyone that is dead.
Death is Death no matter how you slice it.
I have just been thinking how many people are here, but what
about those who lost their chance due to an untimely death? To those
who couldn't cut it to stay alive or to make it past all these tests
and training sessions and interviews and discipline and this
emotional crap that we create and…
The person besides me jumps a little as my hand slams into
the table. The din of voices has died down a bit and I feel eyes on
me. There's a little wet spot on the table, I managed to knock over
my Dr. Pepper. It spills and runs down the edge of the table onto my
knee and down the cloth to the floor. I wipe it off and I swear I can
hear his voice.
//When your angry… don't beat the tables. Find another way. I
mean you're a great musician. Sing it out. Maybe they will feel your
//But Kawaru… I cant sing like that..//
//Sure you can. Think of the reasons Bassara sang. You know
the guy with golden eyes. Your ten times better but… sing it out.
It'll make you feel better. The beauty of expression.//
I remembered I had laughed at that and started writing some
songs. He went in and took a shower, belting out some old Macross 7
song I couldn't remember no matter how many times I tried to sing
with him. I always managed to mess up. Or maybe I was afraid to
I know everyone around here has a lot of mixed emotions,
feelings, and thoughts. Until were back in Basic no one is all in
order here. I sigh and close my eyes to the world. Only I exist and
the music comes forth. Mech and Ghost agreeing this once in my life
that this is what we need. A little bit of peace of mind and serenity
of the soul.
"Omae ga kaze ni naru nara /hateshinai sora ni
naritai /hageshii ame oto ni tachi sukumu toki wa/ guitar o kaki
narashi /kokoro o shitsume you…"
I know they are listening, though some might not understand.
It's the emotions, the life I rarely feel anymore surging in other's
hearts. Though I might be a little early on that fact. I get up and
walk over, grabbing a guitar that's been sitting in the corner of the
stage and begin to play as I sing.
"Come on people, kanjite hoshii / ima sugu, wakaranakute ii
kara / Come on people, inochi no kagiri / omae o mamori tsuzukeru/ My
soul for you.
Omae ga michi ni mayottara / hohoemi de yami o terasou / omae no
kanashimi ga / iyasareru nara / koe ga kareru made/ utai tsuzuke you…"
My eyes burn. I don't know why but they do. They are shut and
shut tightly to keep the others out, to keep the lions at bay. I
don't want to see their faces, how this is affecting them if at all.
I don't think it is. Dose anything I do in this world make a
difference? Does anyone rally care that I have died so many times for
them. Given the universe my soul and not asked for anything in
return. But I always get shafted. Either by the higher-ups or my
family or death it's self.
Love is the one I loathe the most. It took Kawaru from me.
"Come on people, shinjite hoshii / itsu made mo, kawaranai
ore o / Come on people, taiyou no you ni / omae o kagayakaseru / My
soul for you / Come on people!/ kanjite hoshii / ima sugu,
wakaranakute ii kara / Come on people, inochi no kagiri / omae o
mamori tsuzukeru/ My soul for you./ Come on people!!"
I play to the end, eyes closed and I feel wet tracks down my
cheeks. I don't cry! Pilots don't cry! Machines don't cry! Soldiers
don't cry! My hand hits a sour chord and everyone snaps out of
whatever lull I dragged them into. By they time they realize it I
bet, I've already put the guitar down and am walking as fast as I can
for the door. I do open my eyes and feel the moisture there thrown up
into the air a bit by my long lashes. I leave the den and its
populace, the humans in this base that went there to have fun and
witnessed yet another angsty display of some pilot's inability to
cope with them selves.
Emotions are a pain in the ass.
I high tail it down the halls and towards my quarters,
blissfully empty quarters where I can crash and burn my eyes out. Or
maybe write or …
I bump into something… hard…
"Ensign…" SHIT! It's Yuy. I can't let him see me like this! I
stand at attention and salute, trying to keep my emotions at bay.
"Gomen nansai Commander Yuy sir. I wasn't paying attention to
where I was going. I apologize sir." Oh shitshitshit what's he gunna
do? He just kind of… looks at me and salutes back.
"Watch where you are going next time Masters…" He must see my
eyes, though I'm trying to hide behind my bangs. "Daijobu ka?"
"Sir Yes sir. Just… a headache and a little something in my
"Aa..." he doesn't seem convinced. I step aside to let him
pass. He does "Dismissed"
I again turn to my quarters though slower this time not to
get busted for running in the halls. I wonder slightly about Yuy one
last time before collapsing on my bed with a loud thud and stare at
the ceiling. I feel more tears fall. I don't know why I never cry or
know the reason why. I just feel so much and yet am so numb to it
all. Think of everything and say none of it. I feel like I am nothing
more then a shadow in this world of normalcy. I don't feel I belong,
but where else can I go. To everyone out there I am dead. I don't
exist anywhere other then here and in memories. Though what good have
memories done me anyway when they are all I have to pass the time.
God I hate vacation.
Just as I'm about to dissolve into a lovely little pile of
misery and realizing today IS Angels day… someone has the audacity to
knock on my door. I grumble and stalk to the door, fling it open and
glare at the person who wants to die.
"What do … you…" Oh my god…
Ryence squinted a moment, looking at the woman who had once
only been just a girl, then smiled softly. "It's been a long time,
Tsuzuko… TBC until Next Episode
Lyrics from My Soul For You from Macross 7. Translation is currently
unavailable I have to find it again. If you want to hear it I say
find it it's a really great one! Thanks Farax!